Nocturnal

Sometimes I am glad to be awake when the rest of my world is sleeping. It's like there is more energy for clear thought available....we’ll soon see whether or not that turns in to quality typing skills. Tonight I have a cocktail of NyQuil and Chinese food going. Mix that with the prospect of leaving a job that I have dearly loved for four years and entering what seems, from the perspective of this early morning on the couch, as a new phase in life, and you’ve got a busy-minded, blurry-eyed me....and probably some pretty long sentences just like that one. I just adore long sentences, don’t you? I recently dropped a class in my master’s degree program almost solely due to the fact that the professor said, “in professional writing, we should limit our sentences to approximately 11 words”. I tried it out... Turns out that “kiss my ass” was just too short for him, and “I think you can take your silly rule and stick it up your ass you silly, shallow-minded, excuse for a teacher” was just too long. So, much to my dismay, we parted ways. It cost me $600 bucks too! But I think that is a small price to pay to gain a victory over verbal tyranny.

Back to the unique energy that vibrates in the air only in the middle of a sleepless night...I assume there are several kinds, many of which I have not experienced. I have not sat up with a sick child all night. Nor have I been at the bedside of a loved one passing on to Home. I am sure there are all sorts of unique characteristics to situations like those that stretch us far beyond ourselves. No, my inclination to be nocturnal tonight comes not from fear or sadness, but from the unknown that is a new beginning. Its so quiet right now...and I can almost hear the unknown creeping up on me, trying to suppress a laugh because it knows that at any minute it will jump out at me a yell “SURPRISE!!”. Balloons will fall, confetti will fill the air and it will be better then any birthday party you ever saw! Yes, right now the unknown is wearing a pointy party hat and holds a bag of streamers to dump on my head. He may also have on plaid, green and pink, polyester bell-bottoms, but I can’t quite see that far yet...

It’s an exciting energy that fills the air tonight in my little corner of the couch. I can’t speak for the other corner of the couch...but he is purring and looks pretty content, so I’ll take that to be positive. It never ceases to amaze me how Life can turn around so quickly. One day your outlook is so completely bleak it seems you’ll never laugh again and the next there is someone in green pants hiding behind your couch. I never know how it happens, but it gets me every time. Thank goodness I am not the One in control of things because I’d be bound to mess it all up...the delicate balance between challenges and blessings would certainly elude me. I’m the first to admit that I have barely faced any “real” hardship in my life...I’ve not lost anyone I love, I have always felt loved and safe, everyone in my life is, for the most part, happy and healthy. Yet there have been times that I’ve thought, “I’ll never get through this!”...and what do you know?, I’ve made it every single time!! You would really think I’d learn not to get so worked up when the next challenge comes around...oh but no, what fun would that be?

What is so important?

Is it wrong that all I want to do is stay home and read my new Harry Potter book? It is wrong that I have lost the ability to care about grad school...work...and all the other “important” things in life? I mean really, my poor cat has to wade through mine-field of shit to get in his cat box...it may actually be bordering on neglect at this point.

Are any of those things REALLY that important...are any of them eternal?? Surly this is not all there is to life. This simply can NOT be how a loving Creator intended us all to live and use the time, energy and resources He gave us.

I am SO SICK of spiraling in to a deep dark depression every Sunday night at the thought of going to work the next day. I won’t even begin to list the torturous, wretched things I can think of that I would rather do then spend one more day there. The most baffling this is that I know SO MANY other people who feel this way. Can we all be that miserable? No wonder the pharmaceutical industry is booming. Maybe if I was medicated I could handle it. Probably not.

I know, I know, this isn’t my usual cheery, thought-provoking blog...maybe that is why I haven’t been writing much lately. Occasionally I’ll get a bright ray of sunshine and think of a few topics I’d like to write about...but then time gets away from me. Time. Now there is a concept I can't seem to wrap my head around.

I make a vow every day or so that I am not going to let “stuff” get me down...but here I am, down again. Shit. I mean really, I feel like I am walking around with a scowl on my face that would give Darth Vader a run for his money (not when he was in the helmet, but when he was still the some-what hot and shaggable Anakin). Geeze, did that really need clarification?!? See what I mean? I am losing my mind here! :) Its actually quite laughable when I step back and think about it...but by “laughable” I mean in that sort of hopeless abandon that occurs in the pit of futility and sounds sort of like madness to everyone else.

Ugh.

OK, and just so no one gets truly worried...my cat is by no means neglected or in any danger...and neither am I. Thank God for the man that loves us both and will keep us from wading through our own feces. :)