Multitasking and Spidey Senses

Author’s note: please read the following with a considerable dose of sarcasm…or with an Irish accent…which ever makes it sound more implausible.

As a new mother you know you have, as they say, ‘hit your stride’ when the definition of multitasking has gone from checking emails on your PDA while attending a professional development conference to peeing in the shower. Both worthy and no doubt time-saving efforts, yet somehow evidence of two unmistakably parallel dimensions of life as I know it. I have always thought of myself as an efficient worker – able to tackle many things at once. I balanced working full time and getting my MBA for goodness sake. Yet this whole motherhood thing has kicked it up…well, another notch. For the precious few hours my five week old son is asleep during the day, I face a dilemma of epic consequence and find within myself strength and wit I knew not of until very recently. He’s asleep. Do I, a.) take a much-needed nap, b.) start a load of laundry to rectify the fact that he has no clean jammies or blankets and I’ve been going commando for three days, c.) pump some breast milk to freeze so that some day in a future I can only dream of, I can leave him for several hours to pursue such luxuries as grocery shopping or checking in to an asylum, or d.) take a shower to remove the encrusted spit up that has accumulated on my right shoulder? The answer…simply, is all of the above.

First, put the baby down to sleep with all manner of unnatural assistance I have no idea how women ever lived with out – crib vibrator, iPod playing classical guitar music, white noise machine to block out all other sound, sleep positioner -- just in case he suddenly develops the ability to rollover he won’t smother himself in his organic cotton crib sheet. Then take the breast pump in the bathroom for easy access. Shower quickly, of course using 2-in-1 Pantene. Forget shaving my legs, I can’t have sex for 7 more days anyway. We’ll skip over whether or not peeing in the shower is a true time saver or just pure laziness. Then, while the milk is flowing from the hot shower, pump while brushing the teeth I have been neglecting for weeks. Wrap up in a big towel (hell, no one is home but me) and run the laundry down stairs. Because I am so efficient at all this, I can even pause here to return a few emails, upload the latest pictures to my Picasa site and MAYBE…have a quick snack. Oops. Forgot to get in the nap. Isn’t that just how it goes?

By the by, should one think I am writing all this to BRAG on my super-mommy abilities, I assure you, I am not. I’m merely presenting this as evidence of how insane my life has become. Not only can I do ALL this…but I am perfectly capable of having a ten minute conversation with a total stranger about poop. That MBA paid for itself, yes?

Another new development is the sudden acquisition of Spidey Senses. I have learned that WHILE ASLEEP I have the ability to hear the slightest alternation in the baby’s breathing pattern or shift in sleeping position. This is over the aforementioned white noise machine, crib vibrator and heater/fan (depending on if I think he MIGHT be the slightest bit hot or cold at the moment) and my snoring baby-daddy in the bed next to me. Conversely, I can also now BLOCK OUT the defcon-4 screaming fit Austin likes to have each evening as if it were sweet music for yoga and meditation. I marvel at these amazing adjustments in hearing that allow the new mother to survive in the wild. I also find it interesting that, like the girl in Clueless who’s tits predicated the weather, mine can alert me a good five minutes in advance of the hungry baby waking up from a nap. Nature once again at its most amazing -- providing me plenty of notice to get the Boppy, set up the three zillion pillows I need to use to get in to proper nursing position, fetch a new set of breast pads, and unsnap my fancy nursing tank. Such the Earth Mother am I. Another sense that has adjusted is my always keen sense of smell. Once limited to simply rotting food in the disposal and alcohol on my husband’s breath, I can now identify any number of indoor air quality issues that might adversely impact my son’s health or well-being…or SLEEP. Someone used bleach in the kitchen? Throw open the windows - stat! Who forgot to use the organic laundry detergent on these onesies? Ugh…I have to do everything around here. Did one of the cats vomit? Let the dog in to lick it up before the hacking wakes the baby.

Peter Parker my ass – try being the mother of a newborn THEN maybe we’ll make a fourth movie.